[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.