“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
You Might Also Like
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.