I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Every work meeting this week
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place