Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
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May never get over this
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Venn
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u