If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
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I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”