if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
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Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes