Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.