Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”