if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
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I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.