My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
You Might Also Like
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.