I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…