Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.