Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings