[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
God has abandoned us.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.