quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
You Might Also Like
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Oh we’ve met.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.