[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?