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Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
🤣
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.