They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
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Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.