putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
You Might Also Like
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
very niche meme I made
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep