Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far