My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death