I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Monday Lisa
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.