sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.