Unhappy with work? Have a child.
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Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Who’s your best friend?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.