“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
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After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
👾👾👾
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine