Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
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The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.