“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
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a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE