Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Still cracks me up
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.