my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
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(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I want to meet the individual who made this
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
SCARY COSTUME
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
me adding lol on a serious message
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*