“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
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Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I am, perchance
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”