How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
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Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Mountain Goat : )
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep