me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.