God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
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Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog