true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
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I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Always a metermaid never a meter
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*