My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
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