No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
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Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose