Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
got so much cardio in today
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb