Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
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If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one