Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming