Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
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13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
dude it’s called proctologist
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Body by sandwich.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus