boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
reduce, reuse, recycle
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.