Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that