For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*