I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs