I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
🙂🐾
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.