Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
You Might Also Like
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee