me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.