If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
You Might Also Like
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Just me and my debit card against the world
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*