Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp