Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
You Might Also Like
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
😜
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you